Title: JackTalk – Guest Speaker Tom (last name unknown)
I bet you’re all wondering just how I was picked to stand up here and say a few words about Jack Lynch…. A subject which I’m sure will bore you all to death………
Well, I won’t go into the details of the sophisticated selection process, but let me say this…… If any of you happen to be drinking “short” drinks tonight, I think I got your straw……..
After all, I wouldn’t even be here tonight, if my dinner wasn’t free, and John Borona wasn’t paying for my drinks.
At any rate, it’s really a genuine pleasure to be here tonight to say a few words about my good friend Jack Lunch……
When I was first asked to speak here tonight, I was of course overwhelmed. I said, what can I possibly say about Jack…to his face…..that will sum up his wit, his personality, his hard work??????
They just told me, Tom, say something short, sweet and cute…….. so here it is………..Shirley Temple.
(Can I sit down now, John ?????)
Actually, I figured out on my own why they chose me, out of the throngs of people clamoring to get up here and sing the praises of the man we all lovingly know as “Father Time”.
You see, Jack and I have a great deal in common…… Thank God, looks is not one of those things…
First of all, we both trace our heritage, our ancestry back to Ireland. My ancestors fled the Emerald Isle in the potato famine of the 18th century. Jack’s forefathers fled their fatherland about the same time……..under some duress……when the Irish government demolished the family still.
One of the other things we have in common is our family size…..
I happen to be one of eight children……Jack happens to be the Father of eight children.
Now I can tell you from experience that men who propagate such a brood have certain personality traits, and follow the same patterns.
First of all, they are Religious fanatics….this stems from the fact that they are continually trying to convince the Heavenly Father that should not be held responsible for their unbridled sexual activity.
Its either that or they are trying to prove to the Parish Priest that they are indeed good Catholics, because they certainly didn’t believe in birth control…… I mean eight kids is about as out of control as you can get……
Those who father eight children are know for many belts…….one to hold up their pants…..and a few more to get them through the night…….
Typically, a man who fathers eight children…..know to his wife as an “Octopus”……is “All-No-ing”…..every time you ask him for a buck he says “NO”……every time you ask him for the car he says “NO”……..
Every Father of eight is likely to call any of his progeny by one of three names: “UM” “HEY YOU” or “GET OVER HERE”.
And finally…….every father of eight is usually married to a Mother of eight.
Which brings to the next topic…….Mrs. Lynch, you are a very Lovely Women, and the Holy Father called me from Philadelphia today to tell me that he considers you a shoe-in for Sainthood while still on this earth.
I happened to be reading An Landers the other day, and I recognized by the situation that the letter I was reading was written by Jack’s wife………..let me read it to you:
Dear Ann Landers:
Boy do I need help. You see, my husband is about to retire this month, and I just don’t know what to do……..He really is a nice guy, but there are certain things I know I will not be able to put up with after all these years……….
First of all, my husband, I’ll call Jack-the-sipper…..(he likes his liquor you see……)….. well Jack has been a fine Father to our children…….but there’s the rub……we had eight kids when he was home only part of the time……. How do I keep him away when he’ll be around all the time now…….??????
Then there’s the matter of his drinking…… One day he came home all cut up, telling me he fell down in the Gas Station. Lost his balance he said……..but the copy of the Police Report listed the Gas Station as Henry’s Golden Cadillac Lounge, and the fuel was John Jamison Whiskey…….
I just can’t think of any thing to do……. Signed: Soon to be Sainted.